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The Story of belly bar™

By Ramsey Daniels


The story of belly bar™ starts not in a factory or a boardroom but on a rocky mountain trail in rural Nepal. The year was 1993, and I was climbing Mt. Kanjiroba with my wife Pietra and our faithful pup Jethro. Every day we hiked across the ragged terrain and camped under the majestic Nepali sky. It was the best time of our lives-- well, up until day 4, when the snow-covered ground gave out and we fell into a cave! We were trapped in a frigid grotto, miles away from civilization! I wasn’t worried; I was with my wife and my dog, and I knew our little family could withstand anything. But as the days went on and the food ran out, Jethro’s furry little limbs began to look more and more like drumsticks. He paced around the cave taunting me, his floppy ears like empanadas, his wagging tail a sugary Nerds rope. Then one night he cuddled up close to me as I slept, snuggling my neck, as if to say It’s ok, Dad. You can tear my limbs apart for sustenance. So as my wife slept, I smothered that beautiful little pup and cracked him like a crab! In spite of my deep, deep sorrow, I couldn’t help but notice the remarkable intensity of flavor contained in my canine companion. I’d describe the flavor profile as floral and herbaceous, with a light body and heavy conscience. Haha! I made sure to hide the evidence before my wife awoke, but she’s sharp as an ice pick- she doesn’t miss anything! “BEARDED EAGLE,” she shouted, my name reverberating through the cave. “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DOG!” I thought quickly: “Oh, Jethro? I don’t know, probably chasing squirrels.” “THEY DON’T HAVE SQUIRRELS IN NEPAL!” she shouted.Well,” I quipped, “that’s probably what’s taking him so long.” With this she lunged at me, eyes ablaze, screaming with a raw, guttural rage. She wrestled me to the ground, pounded my head against the cool Nepali cave floor, screamed “I’m gonna paint the cave with your blood! Hahaha- Seriously! I think I’ll try a starry night sky!!” I fought back, refusing to die for a paint n ‘sip that no one would even see. After what felt like hours, she lay back, closed her eyes, and whispered: “Fuck you, Greg,” which hurt. So there I was, all alone, having committed a double homicide (well, technically only one, because let’s be honest dogs aren’t people; and I swear if you were to taste one you’d seriously reconsider their status as “not one of the food animals”). A few days later I got rescued (nothing to see back there, rescue man! Let’s just get out of here HAHA!) and returned home to Colorado. It was there, all alone in my hospital bed, that I had a revelation; perhaps if I’d had a nutritious and filling granola bar in my pocket, I wouldn’t have had to eat my dog and murder my wife!? And thus, the belly bar™ was born. So go ahead- tear off this wrapper and bite into our original recipe, a sumptuous blend of tree nuts, goji berries, and chia seeds. And remember:

Life is a Mountain, Don’t Eat Your Dog And Murder Your Wife Right Away.™

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